The headline image above is not appropriate for what I’m going to talk about. Not even a little bit. It’s irreverent. Flippant.
But that’s the point. Let me explain—
Days ago, early morning: my phone informs me that a man lit himself on fire outside of courthouse of the ongoing Trump trial in Manhattan, New York. An echo of another recent stunt, when a protester self-immolated outside the Israeli consulate in Atlanta to protest the Israel-Hamas war. Extremely troubling, extremely serious, and yet? I see the article and my brain responds: he’s like that flaming skeleton, Ghost Rider. Lol.
To be clear: It’s not funny. Not even a little bit.
But this is how I cope with most things.
Don’t most of us? Land of the free, home of the memes. The monstrous amalgam of the world’s woes stares into our very souls with its bloodshot eyes and we, the children raised by the internet, laugh in the face of danger — ha ha ha ha! Captains America, deflecting with happy-faced shields.
For so long, I’ve avoided directly touching current events in my online writing, lest I burn myself on the hotplate of Public Opinion. It’s overwhelming enough to live life in real time. What if I say something trying to make sense of the whole confusing experience and I’m misunderstood? What if I’m cancelled? Not that I have a reason to be cancelled. DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT.
If I take a stance, it’s hidden. If you stare into my cartoons/scripts/work for long enough, you’ll find the outline of my opinions. A truth within a joke, like a picture within a picture. A stereogram illusion. I suck at those, personally. I can never find the f*king picture inside the picture.
Don’t get me wrong: I’ll always be makin’ jokes. But when are we supposed to make light of things and when are we supposed to let the world’s realities just land with a textbook thud?
To be fair, there’s so much to feel about in every direction, it’s hard not to deflect. A troubling CNN headline? Chase it with 6 hours of TikTok. Nothing can emotionally devastate you when you’re watching a video of some blonde woman eating a breakfast burrito from tip to tip. (Or is that just my For You page? It’s all people eating food. Shut up.)
When should we suppress our feelings? When should we express them?
Big Feelings, Buddy!
It’s hard to feel feelings without feeling too much. Current wars, upcoming elections—it’s all very incendiary. I often feel that I feel nothing until something very small, very random sets me off. Just two days ago, I had a road rage episode I’m not exactly proud of. It was her fault! Sigh. Still. Anger seems to be the easiest emotion to reach. Why?
Journalist Jonathan Turley wrote about the self-immolation incident in The Hill:
The dividing line between rage and reason has always been contextual. In my forthcoming book, “The Indispensable Right: Free Speech in an Age of Rage,” I discuss how we have faced regular periods of rage in our history. How one views rage depends largely on the underlying viewpoint. This country was born in rage with the Boston Tea Party, where a riot with massive property damage is celebrated as a moment of liberation…
Before we stretch the spectrum of what is the new normal, we might want to consider the implications of this radical relativism that is taking hold in our political discourse. If you are heading to a rally with matches and a can of accelerant, then you have issues, and they are not political.
There’s a lot of tension bubbling beneath the skin. It’s in our news, it’s in our art.
~*The War Within*~
I decided: I was NOT going to watch A24’s newest release, Civil War. An apocalyptic man-movie that could be reverse algebra-ed by an incel militia to begin a real-life insurrection?! Pff. Pass.
The movie’s writer/director Alex Garland himself said he’s not sure if “making it was irresponsible,” which was… very reassuring, thanks Alex.
But, I gave in. I watched it just last night. I was convinced to give it a chance because and ONLY because I read
’s review of the movie “Civil War Isn’t the Movie You Think It Is” on Vulture. (I have more thoughts on the movie than can fit here, so I’ll save em for Wednesday’s Humpday Pickup.)To Wikipedia-summarize: “Civil War a 2024 dystopian film written and directed by Alex Garland. It follows a team of journalists traveling across the United States during a civil war… [that] has erupted between an authoritarian United States government and various regional factions. The president, who is serving a third term, claims that victory is close at hand.”
Ebiri explores the hypothetical, violent horrors of the movie and reaches a conclusion I didn’t expect.
It’s more a call for reflection, an attempt to put us in the shoes of others, than a warning — not an It Can Happen Here movie, but a Here’s What It’s Like movie. It doesn’t want to make us feel so much as it wants us to ask why we don’t feel anything.
Admittedly, despite the sudden gunshots and many borderline jump-scare explosions, I left the theater emotionally unbruised. A few of the movie’s more stressful moments stuck with me for some minutes before fading like a bad dream.
Maybe it was the infectious stoicism of the story’s lead, Kirsten Dunst’s hard-nosed photographer character, Lee Smith, who’s seen so much death she knows how to compartmentalize to a near sociopathic degree. Isn’t that sometimes better? I’m asking. I don’t know. Feelings get too big, too fast. So what’s the middle ground then? I’m full of questions, let's try for an answer.
The Official Amount of Bad You Should Feel
A foolproof breakdown.
On June 28th, 2016 (according to my iPhone Notes) I wrote an essay called “Kim Kardashian, Donald Trump, Top 40 Music and, especially, Ta Nehisi Coates.”
I never published it because I was in a fearful place of Not Publishing Anything Maybe Ever, an era that’s eaten most of my life up to this point. I can’t believe I wrote this essay in my early 20s *insert regret here* but I digress, that’s a discussion for another time.
Save a few antiquated terms like “Facebook” and “Brexit,” the essay still feels relevant now. A time-capsuled reminder of how and when and how much to feel in any give moment.
So, years overdue, it finally gets to see the the light of day. Here ‘goes:
Kim Kardashian, Donald Trump, Top 40 Music and, Especially, Ta Nehisi Coates
We are a culture of familiarity, of consumption, or severe indigestion.
I type in Facebook.com even though I don’t mean to. Autopilot. Whoops. Well, now that I’m here: What’s going on in the world?
At least 28 people died during a terrorist attack in Turkey’s biggest airport today. Headline after headline on my News Feed tell me so.
I feel sad. There is so much bad news.
Brexit is trending. It’s kind of old news, now, but still. People tweet that Brexit reflects a growing sense of international xenophobia.
I feel sad. There is so much bad news.
Lena Dunham criticized Kanye West’s new music video for his song “Famous” because he used hyperrealistic wax dolls made in the likeness of a bunch of famous people (Taylor Swift, Kim Kardashian, Rihanna, Chris Brown, Donald Trump, Caitlin Jenner, Bill Cosby, Anna Wintour, George Bush) and positioned them naked and sleeping in a giant bed together. Dunham said its rapey vibe was insensitive in light of the Brock Turner case. These headlines fill my News Feed.
I feel sad. There is so much bad news.
My skin is sticky. It feels so. The residue, of everything. It feels like global warming will probably make the world explode tomorrow.
I take a Buzzfeed quiz. My spirit food is, apparently, macaroni and cheese. It’s funny because I don’t identify with gluten, but whatever.
Somebody liked my profile pic. Nice.
I feel hunched, my eyes hurt. I get up and walk around my apartment. I feel like my body is tingling. I return to my laptop to open Headspace.com to meditate but before I can close my eyes, I open up my email. I’m already moving on to the next thing. I can’t stop now. I move from one story to the next, from one activity to the next, from one thought to the next, forgetting how I ended up back at the computer in the first place. How did the morning start?
Right. Turkey. What happened? Real quick, back to the feed—
New news: A bad, restrictive Texas abortion law was struck down, thank god. I feel relieved. There is good news. Maybe everything is going to be okay.
Wait. You! You, reading this. Maybe I’ve lost you. Too much news. Time for fun! TINDER! KIM KARDASHIAN! THAT ONE DRAKE SONG! Have I regained your attention? Familiar words, familiar topics. Mm. Fuzzies.
That's why I need a one dance
Got a Hennessy in my hand
One more time 'fore I go
Higher powers taking a hold on me
Does anything mean anything? Is everything okay? Is Hillary Clinton a bitch? I saw that in a headline, too. What do I even believe?
Here’s what I know: Beliefs are formed by sitting with one’s thoughts, evaluating those thoughts based on fact and experience, and then reevaluating those thoughts again and again for the rest of your life. It’s a lifelong process, forming and abandoning and adopting beliefs.
We as a country are not good at sitting with our thoughts. We consume everything in big, hurried bites. Everything is an insulin spike.
I am macaroni and cheese.
So, Ta Nehisi Coates. There was something that really stuck with me after reading his book, Between the World and Me. It’s about not just “getting over it.” Perpetually convincing yourself that things are “okay.” It’s about understanding that the world is truly full of misfortune and unfairness. It’s about sitting with that, really feeling it, and allowing those feelings to inform your behavior.
I’d add that you don’t have to internalize every problem as your own or something that you personally need to solve. Just understand that bad stuff is bad stuff and, when provided the opportunity, behave appropriately.
I’m not proposing a solution, I suppose. It’s more of a suggestion. Just to you. Just to take a seat. I’m closing my laptop now. I’m going to try to meditate again. Or at least stay still for a minute. Just so I can hear my thoughts so I can form some semblance of a belief.
So… I’m Just Supposed to Sit Down?
Basically! Look, this is a free newsletter. You think I have all the answers?!
*shrug emoji* *insert joke* *insert TikTok of person eating food*
Thanks for going on a more serious journey with me this weekend. Finally, some relief:
And Now… This Week’s 5 Favorite Things
To distract you from all your emotions! Just kidding ugh did we learn NOTHING.
This Doja Cat Coachella performance
THIS Doja Cat Coachella performance
3 matchas from Maru in Los Angeles. Not all in one day, spaced throughout the week. I have an addiction.
Going for a freaking run for the first time in… a long time. My knees hated it but my brain loved it. Which sucks because that means I’m going to have to do it again. Ugh.
To be a beauty influence for 0.2 seconds, I got a new face oil. I’m aging in reverse now. I haven’t been buying myself anything lately as I save for a move so this was very cute and nice.
Ok, that’s it!
Happy Sunday, foolz.
x Nat
I wish I had the time to respond more thoroughly today. But this is such an amazing and thoughtful essay. I do think that Internet culture requiring us to digest, react, and move on all the time is wildly unhealthy. Thanks for saying this. You're exactly right.